5 Reasons to hate India

Do you ever feel like if the 10 year old version of you were to meet the you of today, they would shake their head in disgust? Lately, I can't seem to get that vision out of my head.

I'm a recent graduate,  and I'm living at home with my parents in Long Island for the year. If that wasn't enough for the 10 year old version to deal with, at the age of 22 I'm pretty much still being treated like a ten year old. Which is why, when my two-week "trip" (I use this term very loosely, as most people would consider a trip to be something enjoyable) to India turns into an entire month (or as my mother would later use as a defense, "It's not a month! It's only 27 days) without my consent or knowledge, I'm not in the least bit surprised. Of course, I did not go silently into the night. I bickered, I argued, I told everyone who would listen just how miserable I would be in India for a month. 

This post is for all of you who responded to my cries for help by saying, "But I would die to go to India! I bet it's gorgeous there! I wish I could go!" So here goes nothing- the top 5 reasons to never go to India:

1. The Weather- I don't know what you people are picturing when you think of India, but this is what you should be- overcast skies EVERY SINGLE DAY. Still not getting the picture? It's called the monsoons people, for a reason! 85+% humidity every hour of the day, and downpours that just happen to occur the second you step out of the house. EVERY TIME. So, while everyone I know is enjoying the July temperatures in the states, with perhaps 5-10% humidity, I'm stuck in India looking like some deranged poodle. Also, since most households haven't discovered the dryer yet, I'm stuck wearing clothes off the line, that never quite dry and wind up smelling like vomit. Good times!

2. The Drivers- Getting into a car is pretty much the single most terrifying experience one can have in this country. For every two lanes painted on the road, there are about four lanes of traffic. Cars are literally a quarter of an inch away from the car next to it at all times. Rear view windows have been long abondoned and pushed in for their own safety. Well heres a question, what about my safety? In addition, Indians love their car horn. They use theirs more in a single day than I'll wind up using over the course of my entire life. The whole experience leaves me with a headache, shaking in fear, and thanking God that I'm still alive every time I get out of the vehicle. 

3. The Smell- I'm Indian, so I've come to accept that perhaps my house is a bit odiferous. For all of you out there who have been to an Indian person's house, I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about. Now, I don't believe my house smells bad- after all it is the product of us using tons of garlic and spices in everything we cook. But some Indians, well quite frankly, some Indians just smell. Really badly. Now, imagine an entire country made up of these people and you pretty much get the picture of what smacks me in the face as soon as I get off the plane. India is a country full of mass quantities of people who have no yet understood the proper uses of deoderant. Now combine that with the fact that India has the second largest population. Are we starting to understand?

4. The Homeless- Yes, that's right. I pick on the homeless as well. I'm sorry, but if you tap on my window and I shake my head and look away, guess what that means- I'm not giving you any money. To sit there rapping on my car window giving me sad looks, speaking in a language I don't understand and pushing your naked child up against the glass until the light turns red is frankly just rude. Perhaps that sounds harsh, but it doesn't mean I'm soulless. For every homeless person on the street there is probably the equivalent of one stray dog, so I travel around with cookies in my pocket to feed every one I pass. Karma points!!

5. The Insects- In America you get the occasional fly, but all it takes is one swat and the fly is so freaking scared it will never come near another human being for as long as it lives. The fly knows whose the boss. Well, Indian flies have overinflated egos. They literally attack you when you're sleeping, buzz in your ear, land on your arms and legs. Swatting them only makes them angry and causes entire swarms of flies to come and attack you; and there are swarms of flies everywhere. You are never safe, they get into your mind until all of a sudden you're feeling flies on you when they don't exist. Now, I'm the type of person who would never, as the saying goes, "hurt a fly," however, the good part about being kidnapped for an entire month is by the end, you get numb to it all and you quit caring. Sit on me you stupid insect- I dare you.